Way of the Monk - Week Six - Final

This week wrapped up "Way of the Monk, Path of the Artist". It's been an amazing six weeks and I've met some wonderful fellow monks and artists along the way.

Christine has other offerings of this course available, and if you are in any way thinking that this is calling to you I urge you to check it out. You won't regret it.

This week, we looked at creating some sort of Rule for ourselves. A rule being a sort of framework for our lives as monks and artists. Being the creative group that we are, the rules came in all shapes and sizes - written rules, poetic rules, mandala's, etc.

Here are my "Rules of the Inner Monastery", they are all about "Bee-ing""

From Random

Written on the wings of the bees in the corners:

Be a friend to your body
Be a listener of the wind
Be thankful
Be in nature
Be in Awe
Be creative
Be an explorer of your soul
Be Here Now
Be Mindful
Be in prayer
Be Still and Know that I Am

Now I am resting in this week, as I prepare for the beginning next week of the next class, "Eyes of the Heart".......glad it's not completely over yet! * o

Way of the Monk - Week Six - Final

Happy 2010 - Radiant!

The New Year has rung in, cold, clear and crisp!

I'm not usually all that great at making resolutions or writing up big goal plans for the year. But I have, over the last couple of days been working on and filling out this really cool, creative workbook/planner from the sparkly, bubbly and lovely Goddess Leonie!

What I love about this planner is it's so colorful and it feels more like "play" than "working on goals". Lots of prompts, lots of room to write or collage in. And it's reasonably priced too - check it out!

One of the exercises in the workbook is to come up with your "word for the year." The word that keeps coming up, the one that I would like to play with this year is "Radiant." I want 2010 to be Radiant in all sorts of areas - health, spirituality, work wise. There's a lot I'm happy to let go of from 2009, and a lot I'm looking forward to in the next year.

In the next few weeks, along with 20 or so others spread out all over the world, I'll be taking part in Christine Valters-Painter's online course "Way of the Monk - Path of the Artist." I can't think of a better way to start the new year off and am hoping it will be just the right mix of creative and contemplative that I need right now!

Here's to 2010 - may it be RADIANT!! * o

Happy 2010 - Radiant!

Cardinals

Cardinals have always been a very special, symbolic bird for me. And since they are more common in the southern parts of this province than here, when I went on my retreat at Easter I was really hoping I might catch a glimpse of one.

Saturday afternoon of the retreat I had quite a bit of spare time, and went for a walk on the hospital grounds next to the convent. There is a shrine garden there - a really nice spot for quiet meditation and reflection. After sitting there for some time, I started to head back. I had been listening to the birds singing, and thought "gee, it sure would be nice if I could just see one cardinal, it would make this retreat time so special". Ask, and ye shall receive. At that very moment, a cardinal flew up into the tree in front of me, looking straight at me. As I breathed prayers of "thank you, thank you", the cardinal flew back into the shrine garden, landing at the base of the cross. I sat back down and stared at it. Then it flew into the tree beside me, and sang to me. We spent at least ten minutes there in that garden, bird and I, before he flew off again. I literally bounced back to the convent, wanting to shout out "I saw a cardinal! I saw a cardinal!" but fortunately remembered this was a silent retreat. Shouting would have been frowned upon.

The next afternoon I returned to the shrine garden to do some writing in my journal. I shared the space with a chipmunk who kept darting back and forth amongst the rocks and bushes. I was naturally hoping to see the cardinal again, just one more time. I hard barely breathed that prayer when he appeared in the tree in front of me. He didn't stay as long this time, but I was just as pleased to see him.

The cardinal affirmed to me that I was in the right place, and that God was with me. That was all I needed.

(image - cardinal - watercolor crayons - April 2009) * o

Cardinals

Seeds - Reflections from Retreat

"Your heart is full of fertile seeds, waiting to sprout."
- Morihei Ueshiba

Seeds are appearing as frequent metaphors to me these days. In things that I read, in Sunday sermons and in nature around me as spring finally begins to unfold.

On Maundy Thursday I walked the labyrinth at the convent where I was on retreat for Easter. On the path I found a seed pod, with two little seeds in at. I thought of the saying "two peas in a pod" and then felt that the two seeds represented God and me, and God with me.

The above picture was painted using watercolor crayons, which I enjoy using - I seem to have more control of where I want to put the color with them. The basin and the towel are traditional symbols of Maundy Thursday services and the foot washing. At the time, I was reflecting on our servant faith and who are we called to be a servant to. The church needs more "basin and towel" spirituality. Springing forth from the pitcher are the seeds I was surrounded by all weekend - the two seeds in one pod, waiting to burst and grow. Not one lone seed, but two together - the Divine and I.

The silence of my weekend retreat was like fertile soil for a seed, nourishing and planting something that will flower at a later time. Peace washed over me like water and filled me with prayer. I feel myself in the season of spring, waiting, watching and pondering.

What is longing to grow within you right now?

"All the buried seeds crack open in the dark the instant they surrender to a process they can't see." - Mark Nepo, The Book of Awakening * o

Seeds - Reflections from Retreat

Homily, Homily

Besides undergoing spiritual direction training, another way that I have been stretching myself and growing lately is through being asked to do the occasional homily at our church when our priest is not available. This is an exercise that both challenges me and terrifies me. The process of writing the homily is great for me - it gets me back into writing. The problem is then you have to stand up on Sunday in front of a bunch of people and actually read out loud what you wrote. This terrifies me. A thousand things run through my head as I stand there, "This is no good", "What if they laugh at me?" "I have no idea what I'm talking about here..." etc. etc. I'm keenly aware that I'm making this all about "me", instead of God. It is a deeply humbling experience and I have nothing but the utmost admiration for my priest and minister friends who get up there and do this every single Sunday. So far I have been blessed by lots of kind comments and no criticisms. Then it occurred to me that I need to stretch myself even more. I need to share what I have written on my blog, and that terrifies me too. Although I have very little idea who reads this blog, or why they do, I still have this strong desire to please, to get it right and to be liked. And I realized that I can't be authentic, I can't be real, if I'm afraid to post something. So, in the interest of spreading my wings just a little bit farther I present to you last Sunday's homily, based on the text of John 12:20-33, because maybe somebody out there needs this today:

“I tell you the truth, a grain of wheat must fall to the ground and die to make many seeds. But if it never dies, it remains only a single seed.”

In her novel, Amazing Grace, Kathleen Norris shares snippets of a conversation that takes place during an afternoon women’s Bible study where much of the wisdom is passed on in the stories the women share. She writes: “When I dared to speak, I said that my favorite passage in the chapter had always been Mark 4:27, because it speaks so eloquently of an ordinary miracle: that the farmer “should sleep, and rise night and day, and the seed should spring and grow up, he knoweth not how.” That seems to apply to so much that I do, I said, commitments that I make when I have no idea what I’m getting into, and somehow they grow into something important, before I know it. My marriage, for instance, I said, and the women laughed, knowingly. It also reminded me, I told them, how mysterious are so many of the things that we take for granted. We know how to plow a field, and how to seed it. But germination and growth are hidden from us, beyond our control. All we can do is wait, and hope, and see. “Only last Saturday,” a woman interrupted, “at the Lutheran fall bazaar. The place mat was real different. I saved mine.” She drew it from her purse and unfolded it. There was a picture of a wheat field and a quote from Martin Luther: “If you could understand a single grain of wheat you would die of wonder.”

An ordinary miracle. We plant a seed in the ground, we water it, fertilize it and if all conditions are right the seed will blossom into some plant we can eat or beautiful flowers to admire. But none of this will take place if the seed is not planted. It remains simply a seed.

Our modern society is a bit removed from that ordinary miracle. Sure, some of us might have small gardens in our backyard, but for the most part we’ve gotten pretty used to walking into the produce section of Zechner’s and picking up whatever vegetables we feel like eating. We don’t think much about the work that went into bringing them there - the tilling of the soil and the planting of seeds, hoping that they will produce a full crop. We just expect it to be there.

And perhaps that was what the crowd was like around Jesus that day. Some were following him around and some came to see what all the fuss was about. They’d gotten used to him wandering and preaching and maybe they had some expectations about what they were going to hear from him. But instead Jesus starts talking about seeds dying, losing your life to gain it, and being lifted up from the earth.

I wonder if the crowd that sat there that day, listening to Jesus talk understood that he was talking about himself. That in a few days, he would be crucified and buried in a tomb. Everything was about to change. When they found the tomb empty, would they remember these words?

For a few days they would be plunged into grief and loss, their world shattered by Jesus’ death. Yet, we know, the story doesn’t end with an empty tomb.

One of my current favorite CD’s is called “Unfolding” by The River’s Voice. There’s a song on it called Regeneration and I’d like to share the words with you.

(regeneration from Unfolding (2001)
the seed is planted in the ground
the rain and sun come pouring down
from deep within
new life is born
the roots take hold,
the seed is torn
but in its death the seed renews
the promises, the many hues
of God's creative gift to all
through summer, winter,
spring and fall

In it’s death the seed renews. No, the story doesn’t end with an empty tomb. In fact, the story is still going on. Jesus' death and resurrection transformed the world. We were given the gift of new life, all from a single grain of wheat. If we really understand this, to paraphrase Martin Luther, it’s amazing we haven’t all died of wonder. * o

Homily, Homily

Conversations with Cordelia

(Background - Cordelia is what I'm calling my inner critic these days. She's a chameleon that changes depending on the situation. She's mostly a composite of that girl we all knew in high school - you know the really good looking, popular girl that always made you feel like the brainiac nerd who couldn't dress properly and didn't know what to do with her hair? She's the Buffy to your Willow, off partying with the hot guy in school while you're stuck in the library doing research with Mr. Giles. And, she's partly made up of that friend I had in high school who was always trying to "help" me by pointing out what was wrong with me, and who once gave me a copy of "How to Be Your Own Best Friend", which to this day I'm still trying to think was well intentioned and not just a cruel hint. In short, she is mostly everything I am not.)

I'm working on my application for Spirations Institute and have gotten to the essay part. Write your spiritual journey in about 1,000 words. I'm stuck and avoiding it, and Cordelia pops in and plunks herself down in front of me. Well, plunks is probably not correct since Cordelia is anything but awkward. As usual, she looks good - perfect hair and makeup, nice slim black jeans, powder blue cotton long sleeved tee and a scarf perfectly wrapped around her neck. Damn, she does know how to dress well. That's so annoying.

Cordelia: "So, is that the latest?" She points to the papers spread out in front of me.

Me: "Latest what?"

Cordelia: (Tossing her head lightly to one side.) "You know, your latest thing, dream, whatever you want to call it. Is that what you're working on?"

Me: "Ya its an application for spiritual direction training, kinda stuck on it right now but I want to get it done this weekend."

My cat, the traitor, jumps up on her lap and Cordelia begins to stroke him, somewhat absentmindedly. "Hmm...I thought you were going to be, like, a writer or something? Or a creativity coach? An artist? I don't know, I can't keep up (she sighs) you're always changing it."

Me: "Well...I've done some writing and that, but I don't know I just feel pulled to explore this right now. I think I want to combine the creativity and the spirituality into something."

Cordelia gives me that haughty look she is oh so good at. "Something?" she snorts "see that's your problem - no focus. You don't really know what it is you want."

Me (defensively): "I can focus when I want." I briefly focus on a fantasy involving tightening that cute little scarf around her neck.

Cordelia looks around. "Ya sure - looks like you have piles of focus. I see your art course over there waiting for you to get back to it, a couple of half finished journals lying around, a bunch of unread books, files that have to be put away......girl, procrastination is your name."

Rather childishly I reply, "Ya, so what? I work full time too remember? And I did finish my Certificate of Spirituality so I am capable of finishing things,"

Cordelia smiles. "Well, where's all this playing going to get you anyway - don't you think you're just wasting time and money?"

I bite my lip. "No, I'm not playing. I'm trying to figure out what it is I want to do."

Cordelia (snarkily): "So what will this, (she waves her hand in the air) spiritual direction thingy get you anyway? What can you do with it exactly?"

"Well, I'll be companioning people on their spiritual journeys, I'll be listening to their stories, encouraging them - kinda like a spiritual coach I guess. And I want to do more retreats..." My voice starts to trail off.

Cordelia laughs. "Aren't you worried people are going to start thinking you're a little flaky?"

"I'm talking to you aren't I? How much flakier can it get?"

"But you can't make any real money at this can you? It's not like you're going to quit your job or anything, so why bother?"

I let out an exasperated sigh. "Because I need to do it. Because if I don't, I'll just dry up inside. No, I can't quit my job right now but that's not all of it. It's about growing, and discovering me, and not squashing my creativity, and connecting with something greater."

Cordelia picked that cat off her lap, got up, brushed the cat hair off her jeans and stretched, an obvious bored look on her face. "Ok honey, if that's what you really want" she said in a tone that implied why the hell would anyone want that? "Anyway, I've gotta run, important meeting. We'll catch up later, maybe by then you'll figure out what it is you want to be when you grow up (giggle). Call me."

Cordelia glided out the door and for a long time I started at it. Truth is, I probably will call her later. That's just the kind of co-dependent relationship we have. * o

Conversations with Cordelia

Bits and Pieces of Things

Today's post will be brought to you in bullet form:

• Still suffering from "Bloggers Block". Keep feeling that I have nothing deep or meaningful to post, or that my posts are too short or whatever and so every time I sit down to blog something......I don't....hence the bullet list today :)

• Lent is looming. This, oddly enough, is a very busy time of year for us church folks. Which I always find an interesting paradox since we are supposed to give stuff up for Lent and I always end up taking on more...hhmmm...

• Spirituality and Practice has an e-course for Lent - "The Cry of the Prophet - Practicing Spirituality with Joan Chittister" - looking forward to that starting up this week and being the focus of my devotions during this time.

• If Lent is not your thing, the next few weeks can be a good time for thinking about what is going on in your life, creatively or otherwise. What are you saying "Yes" to and what are you saying "No" to? What is brewing within you? What do you long to express? Are there things you need to let go of? What wants to burst forth and rise up from you :)

• Looking forward to a chat this week with Trish Bruxvoort-Colligan from Spirations Institute. I'm being pulled more and more towards spiritual direction, especially as I find myself facilitating at retreats more often so I'm trying to find a program that will help me grow in that direction. This one looks promising, and I have my fingers crossed!

• Artella has a great deal on their new Mixed-Media Self-Portraits course - you can get the details at my creativity coaching blog here

• The College Boy is home for a week!!

And that's it - now I think I should go and play with some watercolors and try and get another assignment done! * o

Bits and Pieces of Things

Something Finished!

Completion. It seems odd to be thinking about completion at the beginning of the new year - the time when most are thinking about new projects and new beginnings.

But, this month I received my Certificate in Spirituality - the acknowledgment that I have completed two years of study, a whole lot of reading and a few reflection papers.

It feels good to be done. In the past two years I have stretched and grown in my faith journey now I am "resting in transition". I'm allowing myself time to think of what direction I want to take next, what twist in the path will this journey take me.

Completion feels good. * o

Something Finished!

This Could be a Really, Funky Mellow Post...

...because I just got back from yoga class and have had a hot, salty, lavender infused bath and I should be like all blissed out and in the zone, but mostly I'm fried and hoping I can post something that makes sense.

I'm feeling guilty because I'm kind of in a blog slump. A giant blog slump. I haven't been posting much lately. Not sure if it's because I'm too busy or just can't figure out what, if anything, to post. Mostly, I think it's just too many choices. When I have a spare moment that doesn't involve working for a living I have all these options. I can read, I can work on my courses (an art course, and a spirituality course - don't ask me why I had to take on two at the same time), I can journal, I can exercise, I can do some art.....etc, etc. The problem with choice overwhelm is that you end up choosing nothing.

I'm trying to be gentle with myself. I'm trying to take care of myself and not do overload. I really don't want to wind up the winter in the same state of exhaustion I was in last spring. It's all about balance right? Ya, most days it's balance, shmalance - right out the window. But I keep trying at it, and keep trying to mindful of what I choose to take on, and what I need to let go of. It's a process.

There are two nice things that happened to me today, that I needed to share.

One, I've been blessed today by a sprinkling of comments throughout my blog from a wonderful woman who is taking the same spirituality course as I am. She's taken the time to read my posts from the beginning, which made me realize I've been blogging for three years. Going back through some of those old posts has been a bit like finding an old journal - lots of things I had forgotten about. Thanks, S, for making my day brighter today!

Two, I had some really good comments from my art instructor about my last two assignments. Specifically, she mentioned that I should continue with pastels after the course is over because she thinks I have a "good feel for it". Cool.

If you have any suggestions for how to do balance, and not overload, I'd love to hear them.

image - Island, Jessie Lake, pastels, August 2008 * o

This Could be a Really, Funky Mellow Post...

Trying to Slow Down

This is a collage I created that was inspired by my experience walking the labyrinth last month. I finally finished it last weekend. The labyrinth has tiny snails along the path, which is made of chunky wool. The outside of the labyrinth is made of tiny polished rocks. The woman is doing "Tree Pose" - a yoga asana.

I keep trying to remind myself of this image - to slow down, to be grounded like the tree. It seems like I just fly through my days and weeks, and lately I have had very little energy to do more than just go to work and then crash on my couch in the evenings. Maybe my body is trying to force me to "slow down"? I've certainly been giving up a lot of things, and thinking about just where and how I want to spend my time. Slowing down, in this culture, is not an easy task. * o

Trying to Slow Down

Standing.....ready to go in

Despite an onslaught of wet weather I managed to walk the labyrinth three times over the weekend. Each time, it took until I reached center to unwind my mind. The twists, the turns, getting closer to center and then further away were physical metaphors of my life's journey and my spiritual one. Sometimes, I felt like I'd never get to the center. Once, I got to center quickly and then walking out it seemed to take forever.

At center, I felt grounded and peaceful. I wanted to spend a long time in the center, but there was always a time issue or a weather issue and I felt like I needed to leave. Again, much like my life - I want to spend more time centered by there is always something else needing to be done, someplace else I need to go to.

Around me the birds sang, the squirrels squawked and the trees rustled. I found the most beautiful snails along the path - beige/brown shells that spiraled and wound themselves tight to center. They were probably out enjoying the damp bark of the path and the wet weather because on the last morning, when it was drier, I didn't see any.

Grounded and strengthened. God is good. * o

Standing.....ready to go in

Her Dreams Are Brewing

When I was talking with my spiritual director this weekend, I was going on about how I have all these things I want to do creatively and spiritually and that I was unsure of what I was supposed to be doing and what direction I wanted to head in next.

She encouraged me to recognize that I was in an "in-between" place at the moment, a transition, and to be comfortable in this place. To rest in my creativity.

And then she said she had this image of a large pot, or cauldron. Mixing it all together and brewing up what's next.

This weekend, I will be walking the labyrinth and wondering what it is that I will bring in and what I will choose to take out.

Mixed-media acrylic - "Her Dreams Are Brewing" - Apr 2008 * o

Her Dreams Are Brewing

Blossom

Sometimes when I set out to create a SoulCollage card it turns out quite differently than what I expected. Like this one. I sat down with magazines around me, flipping through for images, intent on creating a card that reflected a phrase I had been meditating on - "I am the glory of God".

I ended up going in a slightly different direction. I'm still not sure exactly what this card is trying to reflect. I've thought of the seasons - winter turning to spring; of the cycle of life - birth, death, renewal; and finally of "blossoming". Blossoming or birthing the crone (although I am not quite near crone phase in my life).

Today I got my copy of Christine's latest reflective art journal "What is Blossoming Within You" and I read the following which ties in so well to this card I had been working on:

"There is a playfulness and spontaneity to the season of spring, that invites us to join this joyful abandon. We are called to both listen deeply to the blossoming within ourselves as well as to forget ourselves - setting aside all of our seriousness about what we are called to do and simply enter the space of being." What is Blossoming Within You? Christine Valters Paintner, PhD

What are you longing to give birth to as spring approaches? * o

Blossom

Tulips

Just a simple little bouquet. A little under $4 from the Big City Store. Not much really, but they look so cheery on my kitchen sink that I can't help but look at them and long for spring.

Sometimes it's the little things that get you through the days.

Lent is almost over, Easter is coming. Winter is almost over, spring is coming. Death, rebirth, renewal - and the wheel turns on another season. * o

Tulips

Silence

Come,
pray with open hands,
emptied and willing to receive.
Uncurl and unclench fists - let
go of all you are clinging to,
hang on to nothing.

You have nothing to offer
and everything to receive.
Be willing to be empty and choice less.

You have made it to here - you do
not need to worry about anywhere else.

I wrote the above at a silent retreat yesterday, in response to the question "What does God want me to let go of?". The day of silence was so very welcoming and refreshing to me. I have been exhausted by words and talking lately, and was definitely ready to enter a room and not have to make small talk. All that was required of me was that I sit and listen.

While eating lunch in silence with about 40 or so others, I thought silence is such a great equalizer. Without listening to anyone speak, I made no judgments or impressions about anyone else in the room. I wasn't basing my likes or dislikes on something someone was saying. Everyone was the same without words. Silence is very communal.

The other great joy of my day yesterday was the opportunity to meet with Sister Elizabeth (SSJD), my Associate Director. We only had about twenty minutes to chat, but it was an opportunity to connect, and for me to get some wonderful advice and affirmation. God is good. * o

Silence

Poetry and Prayer

Christine at Abbey of the Arts shared this poem a couple of weeks ago. It was speaking to me this morning and I wanted to share it again.

Forget Everything
By John Squadra

If someone says, "To be enlightened you must
fast and pray all night,"
Have dinner and go to bed.
If you see a sign, "This way to salvation,"
run the other way.
If someone says, "This book is the truth,
you can buy it from me,"
Take your money and buy grapes and roses.
If someone says, "He's talking tonight,
thousands will be saved."

Go for a walk...listen to the birds
and watch the clouds, and leave
your backpack, your Bible and your Buddha
under a tree and hope
they will be gone when you return.
Where we are going you can't carry anything,
not even your name.
If there is logic in the above,
be afraid, it's a lie.

But if you feel something in your chest
as beautiful as the grass beneath your feet,
be grateful...open your arms
and forget everything
you ever thought you knew.

Source: This Ecstasy

(image: altoid tin shrine I made this summer) * o

Poetry and Prayer

Discernment

Today marks the beginning of a year long period of discernment for me. A time to pray, listen and try to decide if I am called to be an Associate of the Sisters of St. John the Divine.

It'll be a time for me to develop and follow a Rule of Life, and to deepen my prayer life.

A year can seem like a long time but I am glad that it is a year. Too often I make impulsive decisions, or I think I want to do something that turns out later to not be so great. We all do.

Discernment gives me an opportunity to slow down, to not rush in and to really try and listen for God's voice. My greatest struggle will be the daily commitment to prayer and to making time for it. In a year, I will know whether or not I am capable of that type of commitment. I will also, hopefully, have learned the value in slowing down and not making hasty decisions.

When have there been periods of discernment in your life? What was the jewel or lesson you learned from that time of discernment?

(image - my window altar at Stonesthrow) * o

Discernment